Mental breakdowns & struggling with caring..

11-10-2020

Mental breakdowns

Earlier the last week, a close family member who has been drinking for the past years of his life, finally stopped eating, and taking real care of himself. I saw him a week prior to this breakdown, and his flat was an awful mess, honestly I was very worried at the time though, what can you do right. A week on, he was found and taken to hospital and he is now on an antibiotic drip. Honestly, I blame myself because I should've noticed this was about to happen sooner, given the sliding incoherent nature of some of his sentences and text messages, that I had originally put down to alcohol. Even if it isn't my fault, I still could've prevented it, and I didn't, and you can't turn back time. On the same topic, I took him some clothes and toothbrush etc a few days ago.

Struggling with caring

If you are reading this, you will likely know that we are currently admist COVID-19, caused unfortunately by the Chinese Communist Party's arrogance, to ever want to admit they've done wrong to the outside world.

During this time, I've had both positive & negative experiences, a plethora on both sides, whether you see that as a good / bad thing right.

I have met many people, which can be seen as both a positive and a negative. Two people specifically, stick in my memory the majority of every day, and although I don't speak to one of them anymore, I still find myself caring and hoping that they are alright, and stuff, and it pains me still now to know that they are unwell, I do not really know how to shake that feeling

In regard to the person I'll name as "A" for the purposes of these scribblings, she's honestly one of the most caring but still down-to-earth people you could meet, and I feel this warm feeling that I don't quite understand, I really enjoy her company, and whatever happens, if you're seeing this - I will never forget you

The main reason I have mentioned this is to try and outline my struggles with blaming myself, and worrying, and just caring, maybe too much

Music & daydreaming

As I write this I am listening to "She dreams in blue" by Josh Woodward, who is quite an amazing artist; bringing this to light because I often think about people I have known both past & present and think both about what could be in the future, as well as what could have been. This can both be a good and a negative point. Mainly because unlike most people I have zero confidence, when I don't know a person before speaking to them, in contrast if I know you well enough, I'll likely hit it off.

With the aforementioned "A", I often think about what could happen in the future, but in a paraphrased version of her words, I let everyday come as it comes right. I don't really know if I've been specific enough in letting her know how much I care, all I know is that in the future, I'd love to spend extended periods of time with her.

As a final footnote, I understand how rambly and incorherent I've likely been, and I apologise, but this is intended for use as a way to vent

DepecheTardis